The Troll Rat
by Goa1aso
Summary: In which Argo has too much fun with her victims. Series of one-shots.
1. Chapter 1

_**The Troll Rat  
**_

 _ **By Goa1aso**_

"Ne, Kii-bou. The same guy offered even more money for your _sword_."

Kirito hummed in thought, missing the subtle nuance, as Argo walked beside the boy jauntily, her arms swinging back and forth like a little girl going to her favorite amusement park. A few players in the crowded city square of Tolbana brushed past the pair, ignoring them for the most part.

"What's their name?"

"Oho, so you're interested in the guy who _wants your sword_?" 'The Rat' replied loudly, as if trying to make sure everyone around them heard, as her seemingly perpetually grinning face took on a more sinister look to it.

A couple players looked at her curiously, before continuing about their activities.

Kirito looked at her nervously, already recognizing her facial cues, having been subject to her many whims on too many occasions. "Whatever you're thinking about, just stop. Please, just stop."

"Stop what? This guy really wants your _sword_ and he's willing to pay good money for it," the foxy rat continued on loudly, uncaring of her companion's rapidly paling face. By this point, a small crowd of players seemed to be slightly paying attention to their conversation, more than a few frowning at the implicated 'relationship'.

"Ugh, just… no. Tell him never," the already-bedraggled boy sighed, holding his face in his hands.

"Ah, I see, you don't _swing_ your sword that way. I guess your morals are as _straight_ as your _sword_."

Kirito refused to deign a response to the comment, choosing to pretend he didn't hear the last sentence.

"I know! How about you and I go to an inn, so you can show me this _sword_ and maybe I'll see why this guy wants it so much!"

At this, the surrounding players who were pretending not to listen swiveled to stare down Kirito, who shrunk under the exposure like a slug under the sun.

" _ **DAMN IT, ARGO!"**_ Kirito shouted, his face rivaling that of a fire truck, running into the nearest inn in embarrassment with Argo following close behind, cackling evilly.

* * *

Kirito laid in his bed, cowering, trying to ignore the two girls sitting on the other bed, engaging in the dreaded _girl talk_.

Asuna sat on the edge of the bed, all prim and proper, while Argo was sprawled across the sheets, putting a new meaning to 'make yourself at home'.

God knows why that rat was here. She just had a sixth sense for getting him into all sorts of trouble. Her unexpected arrival already caused mental scars as Asuna destroyed him for letting Argo into the occupied bathroom.

At least it was unlikely that she'd do anything more, as she seemed to know when to stop the teasing.

"I heard that you got a _sword_ from Kii-bou over here, and you liked it _a lot_."

Then again, her measure of 'enough' was usually 'too much'.

He buried his face into the pillows, already knowing where this was going. Maybe he should jump out the window to end his misery.

"Yeah, this is definitely my favorite sword from now on!" the chestnut-haired girl smiled beatifically. "It's so much better than the other swords I used before!"

Argo's grin widened into a 100-watt smile. Kirito snorted loudly, quickly covering his ears as well as he could, Asuna glancing at his back with an almost visible question mark above her head.

Argo continued relentlessly, showing no mercy for the innocent girl.

"I bet he also showed you how a little bit of _hammering_ could make it _hit harder_ and _faster_."

"Yup, he even let me hold his pinky for good luck while the blacksmith did his thing."

At this, Kirito just curled up as small as possible in his bed, pressed the pillows against his ears as hard as he could, as Argo broke into whooping laughter.

"What's so funny?"

Argo laughed even harder, choking words out between breaths. "You're so pure, please never change."

Asuna's face darkened immediately, finally realizing the _wrongness_ of the whole conversation, her eyes turning to bore holes into Kirito's back.

"Uuuuuuuuuu" she growled cutely, tears forming at the edges of her eyes.

Rushing over to the window that Kirito was facing, she opened it quickly, and with strength that didn't fit with her character's stats at all, heaved the still-cowering boy out the window.

" _ **DAMN IT, ARGO!"**_ Kirito shouted, his voice fading as he fell to the ground, Argo racing out of the room crowing, before she could share the same fate.


	2. Chapter 2

_**The Troll Rat**_

 _ **By Goa1aso**_

Asuna fidgeted, glancing around at her surroundings uncomfortably, her white armor standing out in stark contrast with the surrounding dark-clothed players. "Um, what was this event for again?"

"Shhhh, it's disrespectful to the dead," Kirito replied from beside her, his very un-somber-like expression unbefitting of the clothes that he wore. That is, all black as per usual. "This is a funeral for one of the best players who has ever played the game."

"Oh, I guess I should've worn something black then…" Asuna looked back towards the front of the congregation of players uncertainly. "But are you sure that _she_ really is the best person to be giving the speech?"

The familiarly hooded, short figure of the most well-known info broker stood in front of the mass of people, looking ready to begin her speech.

"Yes, her speaking skills are top notch if you haven't noticed. Now _listen,"_ The Flash's companion hissed, indicating that the conversation was over.

Argo cleared her throat, the murmurs of the crowd dying down at the sound, and began her speech.

"We all gather here to remember the life of Mr. Jenkins, the bravest and most valiant player I've ever known."

At this, Asuna made an appreciative noise, turning to Kirito.

"You should be more like him."

"Shush, just listen."

She pouted at the uncaring boy, before facing back towards the front where the infamous info-broker continued her speech.

"He was just a regular player, not even a beta tester, but he quickly rose up the ranks and established himself as one of the best. He was an inspiration for all low-level players and clearers alike, and whose legacy will live on forever in our hearts. Rest in peace, you will never be forgotten."

Someone in the mass of players cried out, something that Asuna could barely even tell what was said, before everyone started sobbing.

"Did that person just say… Leeroy Jenkins?"

"Yeah, that was his name. Leeroy Jenkins," the boy beside her replied back tearfully, through a smile.

' _Why is he smiling at a funeral? Come to think of it, wasn't that rat grinning widely the whole time?'_

Movement near the front of the crowd broke her from her thoughts. She strained her eyes to make out the words on the crudely shaped tombstone being placed down.

 _Here lies Leeroy Jenkins, the inspiration of all._

 _His valiant charge into the dungeon while shouting his name will never be forgotten._

 _Rest in peace._

 _2022-2023_

" _At least I had chicken"_

Asuna choked herself while trying not to laugh, her hacking and wheezing drawing the ire of the surrounding players.

"You guys are such idiots. Damn it Argo, why are you instigating this?"

The cloaked rat flashed a toothy grin before disappearing into the shadows, unnoticed by the grieving players.


End file.
